It's a Good Thing They Are Cute

It makes cleaning up graham crackers almost fun.

Henry Still Plays Soccer

... like a quadriplegic.

Bending it like Bekham.

Stirring the Pot

WHAT?

Can't a kid take a poop, unravel an entire roll of toilet paper, stir it with a toilet brush, and occasionally fling the toilet paper across the bathroom in peace? Sheesh... 

Helpers

This has been all over Facebook and Pinterest, but it still gives me a little comfort every time I read it. I hope this brings you comfort today too.

I Can Explain

When I have to buy a card for an event, I get really nervous. If I go to Giant, Henry wants a toy/cookie/cupcake/fly swatter (it happened). If I go to Hallmark, I have to keep him from the breakable stuff and candy.

This particular time, I made the unfortunate decision to go to Hallmark. Since the aisles are about this big, I let Henry out of the stroller and in true Henry fashion, he was everywhere. I played a game called, I Don't Know Whose Kid That Is, But MAN Where Is His Mother?!? and GRAB EVERY CARD YOU CAN FOR ANY POSSIBLE EVENT--DON'T READ, JUST GRAB. Apparently that's the game Henry was playing too because when I came around, he had knocked over a display of wine toppers and had 29,374 cards in his hand. 

At this point, Palmer was screaming because I was lurching around trying to grab Henry and said cards.  

It is A Scene. The grandmas behind the counter are clucking at my parenting skills. The moms in the store are murmuring helpful comments to me like, "It doesn't get any better." Somehow, in the mix, I make it up to the counter with the cards Henry has snatched up and the ones that I have *carefully* chosen only to be greeted by the candy. It's not even cheap candy, it's the expensive imported stuff. Mothershitofass. 

I sort through the cards as quickly as I can, pay, and dash out before both The Children become any more apoplectic. 

And then I get home. It's like a poker game when another player lays down his cards (just go along with that analogy because I actually know nothing about poker). There is surprise, shock, and awe. There are a few cards you suspected but a few game changers. 

Enter this guy:

The horrible news is that apparently this card is not even a 15th birthday card. It's just a plain old birthday card. Apparently cumpleanos is not the same thing as quinceanera, but Henry grabbed a Spanish birthday card instead of a German birthday card (the only other language I am able to decipher) .

UPDATE: Did you know that Hallmark has translations on the back of all cards in foreign languages?

...

And this is why I am buying a box of blank cards with kittens on them the next time I muster the courage to go back to Hallmark. 

Henry Plays Soccer

... like a blind, deaf mute.

Let me rewind.

Back in February, I thought it would be a good idea to sign Henry up for an activity to get him out of the house, but more importantly, to wear him out. So I signed him up for British Soccer. I really have no idea what British soccer is. Still don't. Is it different than American soccer? Shouldn't it be called fussball or something? The description just mentioned drills and games to help with soccer skills. Cool.

Imagine my surprise when I show up and there are two uniformed soccer coaches ready to get the kids moving. And I couldn't understand them because they are, legit, British. In fact, I missed them call Henry's name because I didn't know who "En-Er-EE" was. Three syllables, just so we are clear on pronunciation here.

I knew I was in trouble when Coach Nick asked all the parents to stay with their player. 'Why?' I thought. Oh, because trying to keep 2 year olds together is like trying to herd cats. So along with trying to keep En-Er-EE on The Pitch, I needed to get him to play the red light green light game while dribbling a soccer ball.

Did I mention I am carrying a 22 pound baby on my hip? His name is Palmer and he is a moose.

While I have no doubts as to Coach Nick's soccer playing abilities, his ability to herd 2 year olds is lacking. Kids and soccer balls were everywhere. There was no red light. Only green light with this game. Occasionally, Coach Nick would try to corral everyone and regroup to no avail. En-Er-EE was definitely part of the problem, completely deaf to me yelling at him to sitdown/staystill/putyourfootontheball/stopstealingsoccerballs.

Halfway through the class he was either sleepy or just tired of hearing me shouting instructions at him because he curled up into the fetal position and refused to move or talk. I realized I was starting to sound like one of those moms on "Toddlers and Tiaras," so I made up an excuse and got the hell out of there.

I'm not saying En-Er-EE's never going to be good at soccer; I am saying that right now he is a normal 2 year old and the cost-benefit analysis is out of whack. Why the hell would he stand still with a soccer ball when he can throw it across The Pitch? Which is why I'm putting M&Ms in my pocket next week.

Here's hoping!

Henry "Attack" Johnson*

*No, that's not our last name. Creeper.

Fitness Challenge!

I mentioned last week that I was making some changes in order not to have another meltdown like I did on Tuesday. One of the changes I really need to make in my life is being healthier. Sleep is a major issue, but there's not a whole lot I can control with that right now. What I can control is taking care of myself.

I met with my friend, Katy, who has three children and is one of my real-life mentor moms. She is smart, funny, and a really good mother. She is also a size 4 so let's try not to hate her. Katy has agreed to write a few guest posts on here, so keep an eye out for those. My favorite is the IKEA story. (Do you see how I did that, Katy? Now you have to send me something).

Anyways, even though she is tiny and I wanted to hit her initially when she told me, she wants to be healthier and more toned. I get that.  She's doing a fitness challenge, and I've joined too. The idea is to have three SMART fitness goals. They need to be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-specific. For me, these are great baby steps to inch closer to my goal of having more energy, alleviating my esophagitis symptoms, and fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes.

Each week you pick three goals: one diet goal, one exercise goal, and one personal goal (which can be an extra diet/exercise goal or just a goal to help you achieve your existing diet and exercise goals). The idea is to find a goal that's a little out of your comfort zone that just makes you be more mindful. It's not to completely alter your life all at once. I've tried that, and I've got too much going on to worry about how many carbs are in a peach.

My goals for this week are:

Diet Goal- Eat one fruit and/or vegetable at every meal.
Exercise Goal- Go to step class on Thursday.
Personal Goal- Only one caffeinated beverage a day.

My problem in the past has been that I jump into a diet or exercise program, but I can't keep with it because it's so much all at once. For example, I could never do P90X because there is no way I could ever work out every day, let alone work out for an entire hour alone in my house. It's too much and I would be setting myself up for failure (this is why your goal should be Attainable).

Each week you add to your goals, but you don't forget about the goals you've already made. For example, next week I might make the goal to drink 36 ounces of water a day. I still have to eat a fruit or vegetable at every meal.

Wish us luck, and if you want to join the challenge, let me know so that we can link up!

Don't my nails look great in this picture? ;)