A Letter to My Husband on Why I Spent Another $100 at Buy Buy Baby

Picture this:

After three nights of being woken up no less than four times, you drag yourself out of bed to tackle a morning at home alone with a two and a half year old and a three month old. Tasks include: loading the dishes from the night before, taking out the overflowing trash, picking up 2yo's clothes from the bathroom and husband's underwear, getting dinner in the crockpot, pumping milk, loading the washing machine, getting 2yo more cereal-no pancakes-no-juice-no-water, getting 2 yo dressed with clean diaper, getting 3 mo dressed with clean diaper, and continuing your fruitless search for Wall-E's other wheel.

You finally get out the door, of course without a shower or even make up on, and head into buy buy baby to return a breast pump bandeau that didn't fit you, another twist of the knife of your plateaued baby weight loss. As soon as you walk in the store, your 3 mo, who has been crying incessantly in the car, now turns of the volume as if knowing he now has an audience. Meanwhile, your 2 yo has decided he wants everything. He wants it all. He wants it now. You somehow manage to return your breast bandeau and head to the humidifiers to find one to ward off an impending cold that your 2 yo is threatening you with. People are staring because the baby is still crying and now the 2 yo is screaming too because you won't dismantle the fire truck lamp off the display. You grab a humidifier that is not $140 because who the fuck needs a humidifier that is $140?

You head to the bottle section to buy a bottle that is supposed to be good for babies reluctant to drink out of a bottle, screaming children in tow. Thank God you spot it like Waldo in a sea of crap because now the 3 mo is threatening to shit himself he's crying so hard. You take him out of the car seat and give your 2 yo a box of cookie monster cookies. The children are quiet, but you can't quite maneuver the cart and knock a few things over in your attempt to find the other recommended bottle. You find the bottle and congratulate yourself on just buying the $17 nipple rather than the $19 bottle because you already own the bottles. WTF? The nipples are $17! Jesus Christ. Let's hope the $6 bottle works so you can take this faux nipple back.

You realize at this point that maybe having your hands free while you pump is a good idea so that you can multi-task. The bandeau's are $35 though. You grab the same bandeau you just returned only a size larger... too late. Your 2 yo has spotted a Yo Gabba Gabba toddler bed and will rest at nothing until he can play with it. The only problem? It's a display. On the ceiling. 

At this point you remember you are dangerously low on diapers for the 3 mo who has, incidentally, spit up on your shoulder. You maneuver your cart over to the diapers, taking out a display of fruit snacks along the way, grab the diapers and take the long way back out to avoid passing the toys. 

Your 2 yo is demanding water-no-juice-no Jake and the Neverland pirate, so you turn around, nearly hitting customers coming into the store. You finally make it to the counter and hand over the 5 coupons you have. Guess what? Only two of them work. Thankful that you at least saved $20, you pry pilfered toys out of your 2 yo's hand, put the 3 mo back into his carseat and head back to the car. Both children are unsatisfied at this point-- the 2 yo because he didn't get anything but cookie monster cookies and the 3 mo because he's back in his carseat. 

Realizing it is dangerously close to naptime and you just dont have it in you to make a lunch that your 2 yo will undoubtedly reject, you go to McDonald's because at least you can get a Diet Coke. Yes. You do want it super-sized. The woman has to ask you to repeat your order several times because your 3 mo is diabolical at this point since the car has stopped and the 2 yo is screaming too because the Finding Nemo DVD has stalled again. 

You drive out of the parking lot, trying to plan how you are going to get a shower when your husband calls. He wants to know why you just spent another $100 at Buy Buy Baby. You feebly explain the nipple vs. bottle trial and he prods you with questions about what the rest of the $80 was spent on. Your eldest is screaming for water-no-juice. Your youngest has gone catatonic. He will awaken to punish you for your sins and an anger will rise up out of him like a Phoenix out of the ashes, the likes of which you have never seen. 

And I ask you. Would you give a FUCK how much you had spent at Buy Buy Baby and why?

I am dedicating this music video to you husband, oh sweet fucktard that you are, for playing with fire today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmin5WkOuPw

Sincerely,

Your beautiful, patient, kind wife

A Modest Confession

I have a confession. I am annoyed I don't know the sex of our baby. THERE! I said it. I went from being sure I didn't want to know when we first got pregnant, to not so sure at 6 months, to downright pissed off about a month ago. Now, I'm just frustrated. To clarify, my frustration has nothing to do with the fact that I am a planner, as I have already mentioned. Rather, it's more to do with the difference between your first and second pregnancy.

With your first pregnancy, you are (perhaps after a brief period of initial disdain and then gradual acceptance like this girl experienced) excited and eager to learn about this new, unchartered territory. You revel in buying maternity clothes that are cute, and by cute, I mean hideous. You register for all kinds of crap you will never use and are showered with toys, clothes, bottles, and 18, 987 baby bath items that you did not register for. You are going to be the best, most attentive mom ever. And then you actually have the child.

Enter second pregnancy. You know the terrain. You don't feel the need to read 8, 876 books on pregnancy, labor, and taking care of an infant (or was that just me?). You have all the equipment and gear, along with about 15, 387 unused washcloths that Target would not take back because you'd already met your refund limit. (DO NOT REGISTER AT TARGET). You have Hideous Maternity Clothes and are just determined to stay out of them as long as possible this time. What you don't have is the excitement of entering an exclusive club/unknown realm or whatever. You do not have showers. People actually forget you are pregnant until they see you. You don't have as much help from others because, hey, you are a pro at this, right?

I guess, for me, I think that if I had found out Moose's gender, I would have at least that going for me. I didn't have that the first go round, and it would make this pregnancy different. I know I'm probably going to change my mind after I give birth, but for now, I'm a little salty. I want to buy some monogrammed stuff now, dammit!

I don't think I'd feel this way if we had found out Henry's gender while I was pregnant with him. Then, NOT knowing the sex would be the exciting part, but this pregnancy is just like the last one, minus the washcloths. (Am I the only person who received an obscene amount of freaking washcloths?)

Again, I will probably say once Moose is born, that it was TOTALLY WORTH IT! I'll probably have a post entitled "I Take It All Back", after say...Saturday night when I go into labor, (right little lady/fella?). But right now, I'm okay with admitting that I maybe should've found out the sex of our baby. Sigh.

Updates on The Children

PREGNANCY:
Weeks: 38 today... Henry was born at 38 weeks and five days. Let's hope this child is an early bird as well... but not too early. Keep reading.
Dilated: 2 cm. 8 to go. Boo-yeah!
Effaced: Still 75%
Weight: Why does every pregnant girl with a blog feel the need to brag about her weight? I weigh less than I did with Henry. Triumph.
Contractions: All the time. If we hooked my uterus up to a generator, I could probably create enough electricity for the entire District.
Nicknames: We've switched from Bug to Moose since this child is going to be enormous. I'm trying not to be annoying with the name, though, because it can get that way when you don't know the gender. My apologies to everyone who got sick of hearing me call Henry Bean during pregnancy.
Swollen: Nope. Crazy, since I couldn't wear my wedding rings the last trimester with Henry.
Sleep: Suffering from a little bit of insomnia, which is understandable seeing as though I need a forklift to turn and reposition myself, and I have to pee so much, I'm wishing I had a catheter.
Brain Power:  My IQ has probably dropped 10 points with this baby. S/he is going to be a GD genius.
Agility: I can barely move, this child is so big. I now watch those 300lb. Woman shows on TLC and I'm like, "Obviously, you are going to drive your car 20 ft. to your mailbox. That would be so painful to walk!"
Gender Predictions: Despite 9 out of 10 people's predictions that this will be a girl, I've spent the last two months thinking it's a boy, and I've kind of attached myself to the idea of having two little blond haired, blue-eyed boys wrestling with each other in the living room. More on this later.
Anxieties: Ummm... nothing really. Oh, maybe that I'm going to have this baby while Ryan is out of town this week. Oh, you know. He's in Orlando for business. Really busy...

"Working" on the golf course

"Working" at Medieval Times... with a tiara.

I don't want to talk about it.

SIR WILLIAM HENRY, I ESQ.
Bottle: Gave that up right after his second birthday in July. WIN
Big Boy Bed: Took to it like a fish to water. WIN
Potty Training: Made great progress the first day, then he got sick and was over it. FAIL
Pacifier: Two weeks without it, bia! WIN
Preschool:  Not going to lie, thought this was going to be a fail, but he's turned a leaf and started to love it. Fire Safety Week is going to seal the deal. They're bringing in a fireman and a fire truck. So, WIN
Eating: FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. Chicken nuggets and Goldfish. Add this to the list of "Things That Must Not Be Mentioned"
Growth: Henry has shot up at least an inch this past month. I know this because his pants are starting to look a little bit short. I went to Old Navy to get him some new ones today, and did you know that all their normal looking plain pants are $20. Yes, the toddler pants. Yes, the adult pants are the same price. WTF?!? And good luck trying to find a 2T. Get it together, ON. The pants aren't lined in gold. Hell, they're not even lined at all. Rant over. Henry= WIN, Old Navy= FAIL

Ok, it's almost 10 and I should be watching the debates... but I'm exhausted. I'd rather toss and turn in bed like one of those giant sea lions on the beach. Here's a visual if you need one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OoBJ86oqmc

This Is Going to Get Ugly

I am almost 37 weeks pregnant. I am 1 cm dilated and 75% effaced. I am so exhausted that I have to talk myself into getting into the shower every day and brushing my hair. No make-up, thanks. I would rather set my hair on fire than to blow it dry. This baby is coming any day now, and there is a good chance I'm going to the hospital in my tank tops and pajama bottoms with dirty hair because I took a short cut in the shower.

About a month or two ago, I still thought I would stick to my resolve to have cute pictures of myself taken while in labor. You've seen those pictures on Facebook. Cute mom with make-up on. Curled hair. Calmly sitting in bed. Well, why I thought I would be like that the second time around, I have NO idea. My feeling now is that if you are able to have those pictures taken, you went to the hospital too damn soon and are going to catch the ebola virus and dyslexia. And OH, my GOD. My first labor was 4 hours long, and I am fairly certain that if Ryan had tried to pull a camera on me, my head would have spun around my head and had fire come out of my mouth. There will be no photos during my labor. None. I don't want to know what I look like after I've vomited and a head is about to pop out of me.

I know that The Books say I may experience bursts of energy and start Nesting. False. My only bursts of energy come when I have to get to the bathroom since my unborn child keeps bumping his/her head against my cervix. I occasionally get motivated to wash something or put a swing together because I realize, "Holy crap. This baby could come tomorrow and then I would have to put him/her in a car seat that hasn't had the cover washed... EVER!" or "OMG. The hospital bag! If I went into labor right now, I would have nothing to take to the hospital!".

A word about The Hospital Bag. There are a lot of suggestions of what to bring to the hospital. My suggestion? Bring it all. Realize that I am completely delirious though. Some of the items my husband has raised an eyebrow at but chosen wisely not to say anything about: flameless candles, a head massager, and stereo speakers. I stand by my choices. Ironically, the hair dryer is also packed.

The Books also say that women MAY experience occasional mood swings. Hmmm. Really? The only thing I've been moody about are Ryan's socks being stuffed inside each other, Ryan taking too long to take a shower, Ryan not leaving soon enough in the morning, Ryan doing the laundry wrong, and... Ryan. In moments of clarity, I think I need to get him a push present for the past 9 months. This is not a moment of clarity.

I remember reading that upper class women during the Renaissance were sent into confinement for the last month or so of their pregnancy. At the time I thought it sounded horrible. Boarded up windows? Locked into your room? Now I can't think of a more ideal scenario. It would be like a vacation! Sleep all day! Lounge in your pajamas! Read as much as you want! Oh, to be in confinement. Sigh.

That is all for today. I am going to wander around listlessly and wait for Henry to wake up.

Swag Wag

This past Friday we said goodbye to our Infiniti SUV and hello to a brand new... wait for it... MINIVAN! Now I would be lying if I said giving up our SUV was easy. It was a little emotionally difficult because that was "our first child" vehicle. It was a chapter in our life that is almost over.

Buying a van is symbolic, I suppose. We don't go out to clubs and restaurants on the weekend (very often), so we don't need something sleek and slim to drive down M Street without worrying what or whom we will hit. We live far enough away from the city that gas mileage actually does matter since we don't take the metro everywhere. Our lives are different than we were when we first got married, and thank God for that. Cue the Parent Rap. Our car is a reflection of that, but it's not our identity, which is something that people seem to be a little confused about.

Since buying the van, we've gotten a few remarks that make me question, not our decision in buying it, but how others identify what they drive with themselves. Having moved to Europe and back several times as a kid, my family owned a lot of cars. We owned everything from a VW bug (the O.G. as I like to think of it), to a Mercedes. No big deal. We bought cars that made sense for our family. Driving a bug didn't make us hippies (we weren't that cool) nor did driving a Mercedes make us trendy (we weren't that cool). A car is a car, and I guess I've always felt that way; it's not a reflection of who you are, but maybe where you are in your life.

Let me tell you about this van. This Saturday, Ryan and I went tailgating at FedEx field for the JMU vs. WVU game. In our van, we were able to pack up an enormous cooler, two chairs, a card table, a Bose speaker, three bags of food, and a Weber grill. And we listened to Shade on XM radio en route. We had my waters cooling in the built in chill box up front. We talked on the phone via Bluetooth and listened to songs from my iPod, courtesy of the USB cord. When we arrived, I plugged in our Bose speaker (there are two outlets) and could've watched a movie on the DVD player had the mood struck. This car is awesome.

The best part about the van? Henry LOVES it. As in, it's a fight getting him out of it.

Someone asked us, though, "How much room do you really need? Why not just get a big SUV?". Dummy. We will have two children in a matter of weeks. We have a dog that weighs 94 pounds. We go on vacations to Ohio and South Carolina about three times a year, not to mention our beach trips. Have you ever taken a vacation with an infant? Do you know how much stuff they need? Plus, I live in an area where driving 15 miles can mean 20 minutes or it can mean 1 hour. I will be damned if I squeeze my family into another SUV with terrible gas mileage because I'm too proud to be in a minivan. F that noise.

Ryan and I are still the same people. I have not started wearing mom jeans (although the number of college girls wearing cut-off mom jeans is disturbing). Ryan has not started wearing Tevas. We do not cruise yard sales on weekends and... whatever else nerdy middle-aged people do. We don't do that. So this is my chapter. I'm totally owning it. I am a proud owner of a minivan. His name is Lionel.

Cue the Swagger Wagon video.

Henry's First Day of School

I'm going to go ahead and write this post as if I haven't been MIA for the past month. I've been busy, and any free time I have available has been spent sleeping/cleaning/or pinning things I'll never do/buy/make on Pinterest.

Today was Henry's first day of preschool. For some reason, everyone's asked how I have dealt with it. Blank stare. I suppose they are expecting me to confess that I broke down in the parking lot and ran in to watch him from the window. But that would be a lie. Instead, I did this. I flew to Austria and danced around and got back just in time for the school to call me and pick Henry up...early.

Yes, Henry has separation anxiety and after an hour and a half of off and on crying, the school called me to pick him up. Apparently he would be fine, but then another little boy would start crying and it would set him off again and vice versa. His mom was smart enough to bring flowers to the teachers. Damn.

 Of course, by the time I arrived to pick Henry up it was recess and if there's one thing Henry knows how to do, it's wreck shop on the playground. So I just waited around until the early release at 11. When I walked in, he started crying again and leaped out of his teacher's arms. The kid was in shambles.

Needless to say, I'm hoping Thursday goes better.

Getting Ready for Baby

Guest Post: Katie Moore

Getting Ready for a New Baby

Preparing for a new baby can be a very fun and exciting process while an expectant mother prepares her mind, body and home for a new addition to her family. Here are a few tips for helping a woman get ready for the great journey leading to motherhood.

Fostering a Healthy Baby

First and foremost, it's important for expectant mothers to take care of their health.  The baby will pull all the nutrients he or she can from the mother's body so good nutrition will go far.  Prenatal vitamins promote healthy growth for the baby as it contains folic acid, an ingredient that encourages healthy brain development.  Eliminating as many toxins from the environment will also be better for mother and baby in the long run.  Things like reducing exposure to BPA (found in canned food and some plastics), eating organic food (as the budget allows) and staying away from tobacco smoke are healthy choices.  A health care provider can give further advice about what foods and drinks are safe for a particular woman during pregnancy.

Baby Gear

When it comes to all the baby gadgets and gear, all babies truly need is a safe place to sleep –along with healthy nutrition and a loving family; the rest just makes life a bit easier. When preparing a nursery, refer to registry lists and ask other moms what they found helpful or superfluous. Having plenty of onesies, wipes, powder, gentle lotion and receiving blankets in the nursery are great items to stock up on early. Other great inventions that help out mom include breast pumps, bouncers, pacifiers and baby monitors.

Regarding having a safe place to sleep, it is of the utmost importance to reduce Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or SIDS.  Baby needs to a firm mattress in either a crib or bassinet.  A fitted sheet should be the only bedding.  Blankets and pillows are not safe.  Crib bumpers are controversial as some believe they are suffocation hazards, while others feel they are good protection against the hard crib rails.  This is a personal choice.

A car seat is also required for when it’s time to take baby home. They can be intimidating to install, so stopping by the local fire or police station will ensure this life-saving device is being utilized properly. The hospital won't let mom leave with the baby if she doesn’t have an approved car seat!

Being Prepared for Delivery Day

First time moms will probably want as must information as possible regarding what will happen on the day of birth.  Hospitals and clinics offer classes on childbirth, breastfeeding and infant care.  Attending these classes can reduce fear and manage expectations of what's to come.

Moms will need an overnight bag to take with them to the hospital.  Packing in advance will help make sure that nothing is forgotten.  Items to include can be clothes for mom to travel home in, clothes for baby to travel home in, chapstick, music and other items to keep focused during labor, like movies or pictures.

Some moms prepare a 'birth' plan that outlines what they want to happen during the birthing process.  Including what birthing techniques and medicines that they are comfortable with is what the birth plan is great for.  What's most important is to relax and take someone you trust to go through the process with you. 

In planning for delivery, thinking about post-delivery optional procedures is also important. Choices concerning circumcision and cord blood banking are important options to bring up with your doctor in advance of the big day so proper preparations can be made. Cord blood banking is where the umbilical cord blood is collected as soon as the baby is born and sent to a private facility for storage. Families choose to save their child’s cord blood as a potential medical resource for the family to be used in the future to treat an illness that affect the family.

With these steps considered or followed, a mother can feel better prepared and more relaxed about the changes that delivery day will bring; the most important one being a new baby!

Katie Moore wrote this article. Katie is an active writer within the blogging community who discusses maternity, motherhood, prenatal health, childbirth and other topics within this niche.  If you have any questions or would like to connect with Katie please contact by visiting her blog, Moore From Katie or her twitter @moorekm26.